Some car jokes for you. Please note that they are just jokes and we’re sorry if any of them offend you.
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park your car in it man.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, “What will you take: 30 days or £30?” The man thought for a moment and replied, “I think I’ll take the money.”
A careful driver is one who has just spotted a speed camera.
A young lady was driving through a built-up area at about 70 mph when she noticed a motorcycle policeman on her tail. She increased her speed to 80 mph but the cop hung grimly on her tail. She put her foot down and pushed the car up to 90, drawing rapidly away from her pursuer. Suddenly she saw a garage up ahead and with a squeal of brakes she pulled up in the forecourt and dashed into the ladies’ toilet. Five minutes later she emerged to find the motor-cycle policeman waiting for her. With a sweet smile she said, ‘I bet you thought I’d never make it in time.’
My wife had a nasty accident with the car this morning. She backed it out of the garage, completely forgetting that the night before, she had backed it in.
Magistrate: ‘But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn’t you give her half the road?’
Motorist: ‘I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.’
Two drivers driving along a road looking for a place to stop and have a picnic.
The first driver says, “Let’s stop here, and have our picnic under that tree.”
The other one says, “No! Let’s have it right here in the middle of the road.”
They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.
All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.
The second driver says, “See? If we were under that tree, we’d be dead now!”
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and over take them.
John was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself…
“So he took wheels from an MG, a radiator from a Spitfire, some panels and bumpers from a TR6…”
“Holy Cow,” interrupted his friend, “What did he end up with?”
And John replied, “Two years and probation.”
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
A blonde police officer stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The driver searches around in her handbag but can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?”
The motorist searches around in her bag again, and finds a mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”
The cop says, “Let me see it, then.”
So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You are free to go.”
How To Recognise A Company Car:
- They accelerate at a phenomenal rate
- They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse
- They enjoy a much shorter braking distance
- They can take bumps at twice the speed as private cars
- Oil, battery, tyre pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so much as a private car
- They have a much tighter turning radius
- The floor is shaped like an ashtray
- They do not have to be garaged at night
- They can be driven up to 150 miles with the oil warning light on
- They need cleaning less often, especially inside
- They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion
- The tyre side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs
- The bumpers can be used to gauge the length of the car
- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control
The True Use Of Mechanics Tools
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
You Know You Have Too Much Power When:
- You can’t drive your car in the rain
- Your “significant other” is afraid to drive your car
- You are afraid to drive your car
- You’re tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office
- You go to the petrol station every time you go for a drive
- The cost of tyres is concerning you
- You wake the neighbours up every time you start the car
Don’t Say This To The Traffic Police
- Thanks Officer! That’s great. The last officer only gave me a warning as well!
- Sorry Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in
- Sorry Officer, I was trying to keep up with the traffic, Yeah I know they are miles ahead of me, but that’s how fast they got away from me!
- No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The needle stops at 180 mph
- Wow! you must have been going some to catch me up?
- Sorry officer, I didn’t know you where behind me all that time, I was having to focus on what was in front of me because of the speed I was going
Bad Car Advertising:
- Summer Fun – The roof leaks in winter
- Easy Project Car – Completely disassembled, bring many boxes
- Minor Rust – Major rust you can’t see
- New Paint – Beautifully covers the rust
- Fully Loaded – The seller is too
- Only 59,000 Miles – Actually closer to 259,000 miles
- Rare Model – One of 300,000 made
- Family Owned – Driven by 6 teenagers, 2 gran parents and the family dog
- Fully Restored – There’s nothing original
- Must Sell – Before it blows up
- Well Maintained – I occasionally change the oil
- Rare Classic – No one wanted it even when it was new
- Ran When Stored – It won’t start now
- No Time To Restore It – Can’t get hold of the parts
- Low Miles – The odometer was turned back
Apparently From Real Insurance Claims:
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention
- I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it
- I collided with a stationery truck coming the other way
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car
- The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment
- In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car
- I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident
- As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished
- I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found I had a fractured skull
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him
- I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows
